Marriage and Finance Part 1: Common Roles

I’ve always been reluctant to post about Finances and Marriage because it is such a touchy subject. But a fan of the blog suggested I should, so I shall. This is Part 1 of Finances and Marriage and will concentrate on the common role divisions I’ve typically seen. The list is not inclusive and your marriage may differ on range of the power you and your spouse exerts in the role. Also, I don’t know if it’s the “alpha-male” syndrome in the military, but women are more likely to seek financial advice then men. Some men will go bankrupt, face disciplinary issues and ultimately get a divorce before seeking financial advice. When I volunteered at an Airman Family and Readiness Center, I would only typically see people after the disciplinary issues. But according to an article in Psychology today, couples who fight more than once a week about finances are 30% more likely to get a divorce¹ and the extra pressure only compounds the military divorce rate. Here are the roles I’ve typically seen:

·         Dominant Money Maker – In the military, this is commonly the active-duty member. The money maker makes the money and also handles all the finances. In the beginning of a marriage, this is often the easiest role division. But as time goes on, the submissive spouse will lose independence or feel unequal. If your spouse is financially submissive, continue to update him or her on the family’s overall financial situation; whether they want it or not. This role division could be dangerous if the dominant money maker is reluctant to take financial advice. If the couple experiences financial troubles, the money maker will become emotionally distraught and it will cause a wedge in the relationship. If the submissive spouse is completely dependent, then financial troubles can cause major troubles. Another complication is, in the military, we are held liable for supporting our dependents as long as they are qualified dependents. So when a couple is “separated” the military member is still liable for supporting the dependent, which may have no experience in financial independence.

·         Dominant Dual-Income Role – This is also quite common in the military with one spouse being the active duty member and the other having a civilian job. At least from what I’ve seen, there isn’t a correlation from the person making more and them being the dominant member. Usually the spouse with the most financial fluency takes the dominant role. Like everything in marriage, communication is the key to success with this role division. The submissive spouse needs to be engaged in the “end goal” and the direction the family is going financially. After the goals are set, the submissive spouse just needs updating. I’ll cover the logistics of making this role division work in Part 2 of the series. This role division could be dangerous if there is disagreement in the goals or if the submissive spouse unexpectedly decides to take a more dominant role. Again, constant communication is the key.

·         Submissive Money Maker – For a lot of military members, finances are the last subject they want to think about after a difficult day at work. In this situation, the spouse becomes the dominant financial decision maker. I found this role division works the best if there are no other complications in the marriage. But if there are other surface cracks in the relationship, this role division could be difficult to maintain. If the job becomes too stressful, the money maker could feel like a “slave”—working all day and someone else getting the money. The spouse needs to ensure other aspects of the marriage are sound before trying to fix any financial issues. Often times the money maker can feel like the spouse is “lazy” and not keeping up his or her “end of the deal”. The submissive money maker is usually okay with relinquishing control if they are happy with the “stay at home” duties.

·         Equal Roles – At least in the military, I’ve found it very rare that both spouses are equally interested in being dominant in financial planning. In this division role, both spouses are usually both dominant in all areas and continuously butt heads from simple decisions to life-changing decisions. The marriage, in general, is highly volatile. They have the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Like everything, strategic communication is the best advice. This may sound unorthodox, but visual aids help greatly to keep emotions from flaring. Go to a website, create an excel sheet, or even make a PowerPoint to ensure a logical, rational discussion is held. Banks DO NOT care about the fight and make-up you all just had.

Regardless of the type of division role you have, I highly recommend that when discussion finances, both spouses try to use the word “we” as much as possible. Try to say, “we need to cut expenses,” or “we should save more.” I’ll recommend how to manage accounts, maximize finances and how to prevent financial fights in future parts of Finance and Marriage. What kind of role do you and your spouse have? Is it working?

¹http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201304/how-money-issues-predict-divorce-how-prevent-them